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The Higher Self

Updated 5/30/11. – Beginning of write up edited/reworked/rewritten, several additional examples of “higher self interactions” added to the list, and new theories and ideas about what it all is and how it all works added to the end.


Before 2001 I’d never heard of “the Higher Self,” but once I learned about it, something clicked regarding the concept. For whatever reason, the idea of it all made immediate sense, like remembering something I used to know a long time ago but had since forgotten. The higher self, as I’ve come to understand it, is the highest positive aspects of ourselves. Some would say that it’s us in the “future,” our oversoul if you will, a very evolved, higher density form.

In 2002 and 2003 I attempted to connect and communicate with my higher self. During my 2003 attempt it took two weeks of trying to do so every night as I was falling asleep until it eventually happened, which I’ll get back to in a moment. From there, it was on.

Looking back on it all from what I know now in 2011, I don’t know whether what I connected with was my actual higher self per se, or a guide of some sort. I didn’t used to believe in the idea of “guides,” it seemed like made up malarky that New Agers had invented in order to make themselves feel better ;D but now I’ve had to accept the possibility that the concept could in fact be very real in light of what my own experiences are showing me. A couple of people have emailed me here and there over the years questioning whether I was actually communicating with my “higher self,” because as far as they understood it all, our higher selves don’t communicate with us. So that’s what got me thinking and further questioning all of this. But yet there’s no doubt that I was definitely plugged into something very high, as we’ll see in a moment. So the nature of what it was remains to be seen. And so at this point I’m thinking it may have in fact been “guides” of some sort, or at least, something else that’s very high up there who has been keeping an eye on me. In fact there’s a thread over at the Open Minds forum about a guy named Fore, and his experiences with what he knows as his ‘adviser.’ So much of what he described in just the first six or seven pages of that thread alone mirrored many of my own various experiences, including the higher self stuff discussed here. So I pass it along for consideration.

In retrospect, it seems this force, be it the higher self, or guides, or whatever it was, has been in the picture all along, and in reviewing my life I see evidence for its existence before I ever consciously reached out to try to communicate with it. The very first instance occurred when I was 19, during a dark and difficult time in my life, when I lived alone, working three jobs at 85 hours a week, with no car, and with no family in my life (my dad and brother were 3,000 miles away, and I have no relationship with my mother), and whatever friends now gone, scattered to the wind, and now broken up with my then-boyfriend. I didn’t even have my then-cat anymore, because I was working too much to be able to keep her. So I was completely and utterly alone in every way imaginable. A very bad situation, and so I found myself crying on my bed one night, totally despondent about it all. That’s when on some other level I became aware of “something,” a presense I guess you could say, and which stopped me crying right in mid-sniffle. I turned and looked up and around the air, curiously searching for the source of the presense I felt, like “???” Right then, I had the very clear and distinct thought go through my mind, “There’s a tug of war going on for you.” That was it. There’s a tug of war going on, for me. I frowned, looking around the empty air, not hearing or sensing anything else. This thought form was emotionally neutral, and direct/matter-of-fact. Just letting me know something it thought would give me some useful insight into my present situation. It took the wind out of my despondent sails, so I stopped crying, wiped my face, sat up and went back about my business. I understand now in looking back what that tug of war involved, though I won’t side track onto it here. But the gist involved life events designed to try to take me out of the picture, as one can see from what I already described of my life situation at 19.

At that point in my life I was a scaredy cat when it came to dealing with anything that was even remotely paranormal. The slightest thing pertaining to the “weird” would terrorize me and paralyze me with fear, which is probably why “stuff” held back and didn’t make its presence known to me. I wasn’t asking for it, and I literally couldn’t have handled it anyway. It was a very slow, step by step process to get me where I am now, complete with being dunked head first into freezing cold water, figuratively speaking, back in 2000, during a crazy time period which I outline in my write up called ‘The Vortex’. I had been inching closer to being able to handle stuff, and then in 2000 I was just plunked the rest of the way in very abruptly, almost as if something decided, “Hey! There’s no more time! Enough with the inch by inch. You need to learn the rest right NOW, crash course, here you go.” ;)

A few years after that in the mid to late 90s there were several instances when a “thought form” voice thing cut in on the line so to speak, giving me input and intervening in certain dangerous situations to try to help me out, prevent accidents, and even prevent death. Several of these instances I wrote about in my free e-book, ‘….And all the rest – Miscellaneous Stories of the Weird and Unusual.’ And while I acknowledged and remembered that these thought form voices existed and had obviously intervened and helped out (or at least, tried to help…) I didn’t dwell on them or even bother trying to ponder on what it was all about. I just wasn’t yet at that point. That wouldn’t come until a few more years, by late 2001, early 2002.

Then I actually consciously reached out to try to connect with my higher self as I understood it to be at that time in February of 2002, when briefly living in Portland. My life in Portland was a bit chaotic at that point, mainly due to my brother. One night in the middle of all the chaos I decided to do an impromptu meditation I guess you could call it, wanting to see if I could connect up to my higher self and maybe get some sort of feedback or input about my life, since this was a “new” concept I’d just learned about. And what came back to me was an image. No words. Just an image, showing what seemed to be a central glowing energy source off to the right of my field of view, against a blackish background. Emanating outwards heading to the left of this glowing energy light source were all these little pinpoints of lights, each one connected to the other, and all connecting and tracing back to this energy light creator source. Those pinpoints of light are us. And the understanding that was telepathically transmitted along with this visual is that we’re all connected and we’re all extensions of this creator source. It has sent extensions/pieces of itself outwards.

Considering I’d never had such an experience before, and I wasn’t on drugs, that was something else indeed. I opened my eyes when it was over thinking “WOW!” It was very vivid and the message was clear — we’re all connected, and we’re all living out our lives, gathering up experience as extensions of the creator source.

Well alrighty then. !! I guess that answered my question. I wanted to know about my own personal little reality and instead got an answer that covered the entire Big Scheme of Things. [Side note: Years later I would be reading books where people are hypnotically regressed to their past lives and so on, and where they describe the beginning of creation in the exact same way as I saw in my mind that night in Portland. “God” as a large, glowing ball of light against a bluish black “void,” and all these little glowing balls or sparks of light coming from it. I hadn’t read that material yet at that point, not that I can consciously remember. Plus it’s interesting that I wasn’t even asking about this, yet, that’s what came into my head loud and clear, with a sense of urgency. Makes you wonder.] It was like the source was thinking “Forget whatever it is is you’re asking about, if there’s only one chance to tell you one thing, then this is the most important thing you need to know!!!” After that incident I was too busy and distracted with the chaos of my life (and sick with the flu on top of it), as well as later permanently parting ways with my brother in life and then moving cross country to Florida to pursue the matter anytime again soon.

So then flash forward to January 2003. I’d been heavily researching all matters of metaphysics and conspiracy and woo-woo stuff for many months by that point and so had renewed interest in trying to connect again with my higher self. I had no preconceived notions about what would happen, if it would be like what happened back in Portland or something beyond that. I just knew that I was aiming to connect up with my future, higher density self, with whatever that involved. So every night for nearly two weeks before drifting off to sleep I put out the intention to connect with it. Then finally, I did. I was lying there in bed intending to connect when I segued right on into the connection without consciously realizing right away what was happening. On another level I guess I did recognize, because I launched right into asking it a pressing question about what of all things but…..taxes. !!! :D I asked, “Am I going to get in trouble for what I’m doing with my taxes?”

“It all depends on you. You have the final say.”

I knew what it meant. If I focus intently on something, good or bad, and put my focus there, it will happen.

I then wondered about all the crazy things that had been happening to me over the past few months. The neg entity harassment, the abduction craziness, the “Them” sightings, and so on that I mention in my book, “Chasing Phantoms.” I asked a specific question, although I can’t remember the exact wording, (I think it was probably something to the effect of, “Are ‘they’ behind the things that have been happening to me?”) and the answer that came back was,

“Yes, they’re trying to keep you in a fear frequency.”

So I had my confirmation that yes, there really was something behind all the negative craziness, and it was deliberate. To keep me scared, all the time.

Then at that exact moment out of nowhere a car pulls in to park outside my apartment, right outside the window where I was laying. Car stereo pumping, doors slamming, people talking really loudly. It was 2 a.m. and that was definitely not a common occurrence at that hour of the night, and the timing of it all and the fact it happened right outside my particular window was a bit uncanny. Because of the loud noise and distraction, I could feel myself slipping out of the trance-like state, losing the connection. It literally felt like it was tugging the connection apart. I began reaching out for it, to try to hold on to it.

“Is this interference from them?” I asked.


“To break the connection?”


And we continued to break apart. I tried to hang onto it. I loved this connection and how it felt. The source was so understanding and patient and kind. I didn’t want to let it go. I was like, AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And then I popped back up to the surface. Woke from the trance. It’s a completely different feeling from waking from sleep. There’s no words to describe it really.

Despite the brief nature of the conversation, it wasn’t futile. I came away from it with some important insights. For starters, the all important reminder that we attract to ourselves the sorts of experiences we’re going to have in life by our thoughts and focus. So if I wanted to have a problem with taxes, or with anything, then by all means….go for it. It’s up to me. Just think about it hard enough and will that little problem into existence.

And then there’s the little bit about the Fear Frequency. The importance of this confirmation/revelation can’t be stressed enough because as a direct result of this insight, I instantly lost the fear I had been experiencing for months. It evaporated literally, overnight. For a short time afterwards things would still come around and try to harass me, but by then it had lost its power. It seemed like a joke now. How could I be scared when it was revealed to me that there’s a “Man Behind the Curtain” orchestrating it all for the sole purpose of keeping my frequency low? So the fear stopped overnight, and eventually the negative happenings trickled off. They gave it up when their schtick was no longer working anymore.

And of course, not overlooking the obvious, I now had confirmation that it was possible to communicate with the higher self. It was there, and it would answer back. We now have a direct phone line to the higher realms. Woohoo! Though again, in retrospect I now wonder whether it was the actual “higher self” per se, or something else. I addressed my request to my higher self, but maybe whatever it was that responded was able to respond because it was basically on par with whatever I was seeking. A case of, “I know what you’re after, even though you’ve got the terminology wrong. So, here I am.” ;)

After the January 2003 experience it was like a groove had been established, making future communications much easier, and sometimes near instantaneous. The vibe of it is something I have yet to achieve full time in the present, but it’s emotionally detached and neutral…..yet simultaneously very empathetic and understanding. It’s also wise and mature. It knows, it understands, it sympathizes, because it’s been there and it remembers. But it doesn’t feel the emotion anymore. It’s very calm and detached.

After January 2003, things really took off. My experiences form the basis of this write up. However, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to talk about “communications with my higher self” because it can come across like I’m crazy. “Voices in the head,” “channeling” and that sort of thing. It’s why I held off on writing about this for the longest time. I don’t channel, have zero interest in ever trying to channel, and the phenomena isn’t like voices in the head. Voices in the head is intrusive, usually saying negative, harassing things to drive the target into madness and get them to do things to jeopardize themselves or others. When I think of voices in the head I think of demonic possession, schizophrenia, and government black ops mind control projects, the latter of which I’ve written about in ‘Chasing Phantoms.’ When my higher self (or whatever it actually is) would communicate it seemed to only do so when called. (And as was the case back in the 90s, when I was in a very precarious situation, about to either die or get into a very bad accident of some sort. So basically when it felt it had no choice and had to “step in.”) And even then, I’m not always able to get through the line and make a connection. So it’s not a guaranteed thing. Again, the voice is always calm, mature, empathetic yet detached, understanding, wise and sometimes even amused, a far cry from the negative, taunting, harassing “voices in the head” we typically hear about.

Following are some of my own experiences with communicating with my higher self. Following that is my theory into what it all means, and ultimately what’s going on in this reality.

February 9, 2003. In the middle of washing dishes, during a mellow spacey moment, I inadvertently connected to my higher self. I was me…but in the future, and could feel how I saw myself now, and how I had sympathy for me. It wasn’t a conversation, it was more like temporarily connecting up past and present, like becoming my higher self for a moment, and seeing myself now. I was looking back at myself feeling all this sympathy and thinking that this was a really suck-ass existence, in SO many ways, despite the fact that I don’t realize it now and try to find things that are good and beautiful and cool, always plowing forward. I could feel how I will be in the future, and how life will be for me there, where ever that is. I could feel how much better it’ll be, just really unbelievable. It’s very light! Mentally, emotionally and physically very light. You don’t realize how heavy this realm is until you have the comparison to something higher and beyond. And my mindset there is so much more mature, calm, so much more loving and understanding. No wrestling with 3rd density primate instincts, no longer having to deal with this zoo, and the ugliness it can bring out in you. No abductions, being manipulated and toyed with. I have those good qualities in me now, but in those higher realms, it’s there all the time.

I was surprised at the feelings of sad loving sympathy I had. I’m glad to know that I won’t look back with negative disgust or anything. It was also the first time I was able to lift up and beyond my immediate surroundings and see it differently, from a viewpoint that is normally not available. It wasn’t a “woe is me, feel sorry for me I’m such a victim” mentality, rather, just being able to see what I’m not willing to see as me now, submerged in the middle of it all, and having empathy for what me, and everybody else goes through in being here. So the whole thing was pretty eye opening, seeing my existence from an “outside” point of view.

Sometime in 2003 I was flopped out on my bed one morning, wondering…WHY AM I HERE??? I mentally reached out to my higher self to ask it why. WHY!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!!!!!!! What am I supposed to be doing with myself here anyway! An answer came back, sounding calm but amused. And it wasn’t what I was expecting.

“Different time lines accomplish different things.”

oh. okay. Well, that gave me pause. Short and to the point and not the sort of answer I was necessarily anticipating, as always. I had the basic knowledge of the concept of time lines, in fact it was something I first pondered way back when I was 17. So I understood what this comment was referring to. With that in mind, it means there is no one set purpose for why I’m here. Different versions of myself on different time lines are accomplishing different things, depending on whatever I’m able to do under its particular circumstances and constraints.

On a deeper level, this also explains why I feel like the “me” in this reality was tapped on the shoulder one day and got a big ol’ “Tag….you’re it….” as I describe it. Based on the lack of constraints holding me down — no kids, power career, mortgage, car payments, credit card debt, college debt, and things that would otherwise lock me down and limit my potential — it seems that it was decided that I was available to pursue something a tad bit higher than whatever I’m doing as the “me’s” in other time lines. A psychic acquaintance of mine even once suggested (a long time after this particular revelation) that I might want to see if I can connect with the other versions of myself on other time lines… I might find it interesting because they’re very different from how the me “over here” turned out.

Then I went on to think about the woo-woo craziness that had been happening to me in life recently, and stuff which seemed to be trying to sabotage things. How do I know that I’m winning a battle against negs that are trying to sabotage things? Maybe I just think that I’m winning and doing good when I’m really not! The answer came back, short and to the point:

“Because you’re still alive. Your cat’s still alive. You’re still with Tom. And you still have your car.”

In order, the four things that mattered most for my well being or survival in this reality at that particular time. They’re all still here, and I’m still kicking. And in looking back I can see those times when I was “supposed” to have been killed, how and when Tom and I were “supposed” to have been broken up, how my cat was supposed to be dead and/or missing, and how my car was wrecked. I know the various ways and times when those things “should” have happened, yet miraculously didn’t. So that’s how I can know that it’s so far, so good.

On a related note, another time in late 2002 I was given an insight that “Everything you do every day determines which time line you wind up on.” Thought that was interesting as well.

I asked why this reality had to have so much craziness and suffering going on. Why is this world the way it is??! And the response that came back — A visual, like a movie. No words, just the movie in my mind showing quick flashes of mass craziness, war, killing, poverty, noise, chaos, peasant looking people and everybody scrambling and clamoring over everybody else, suffering, and all of it tinted in a blue gray colored bleak hue. The flashes whipped before my eyes, and then I was pulled back, up and away from it all. It shrunk smaller and smaller, until I was now hovering above the landscape of Earth below, and everything froze — on pause. Silence. Hovering. Waiting. Then telepathically it was conveyed to me that, “It’s this way because people believe that it has to be this way. They believe that they need to keep coming back, and to suffer.”

!!! WOW, was my response. I don’t know if this is true, but it’s interesting that I was told this.

January 2004. This was in Fort Lauderdale, when I’d just quit a long standing office job I’d been at for almost two years, and was in limbo in terms of employment and money. (this time period was written about in an old article I used to have up on my site, called “What are you going to DO with your life??”) I’d just signed on with a local temp agency, but everything was up in the air. Who knew when and if anything would even work out. I was pondering on it one morning when I got some feedback/input. Basically I was told, slight paraphrase, that no matter what, I absolutely needed to keep my frequency up. The tone of voice was slightly intense, and concerned, but yet still the same as the other higher self communications. I intuited the idea of possibly experiencing rejection when applying for jobs, or the temp thing not seeming to pan out right away……but no matter what, I must keep a positive, optimistic mindset and keep my frequency up. The feeling was that this was imperative. The thought form didn’t explain why, though I guessed it had everything to do with reality creation. I outline more in depth in my “Miscellaneous Stories of the Weird and Unusual” (free) e-book how so-called “reality creation” works, though as noted there I don’t like to use that term as it’s become overused and was given a bad rap by goofy videos like “The Secret.” Nevertheless, as mentioned in various places on my website, I know that the idea of thoughts/personality/vibes absolutely does affect the flow of everything around us, and I’ve proven it enough times for myself to be certain of it in my own situation. So I realized, I had to stay “up,” no matter what happens. No self doubt, creating mixed signals in my subconscious. No worry or anxiety. Just know that it will all work out and come together. That mindset has worked for me before, and it would continue to work for me now.

And lo and behold, it did. In fact, it worked so well I never even experienced rejection. Right away the temp agency sent me out onto assignments, and I was back in the game, with almost no down time in between. (The funny part is, I jokingly wonder if my higher self, or whatever it was that was giving me this advise, got the time wrong. Because nothing even close to obstacles or rejection happened during that time, at all, however……flash forward 8-9 years later, after we moved back to south Florida and I was out there as a temp, and it was a WHOLE other story. O.o To such a wackadoodle degree that it’s worthy of a being a book. And needless to say, “keeping my frequency up” became very difficult, and it was a battle of wills and reality creation. So it does make me wonder if the higher self could in fact get something wrong in terms of “time.” Same geographic region, same employment situation…….but where the message was delivered to the wrong version of me in the wrong time period. :D Probably not though, I’m sure these things know what they’re doing and don’t make mistakes. ha But I do wonder……)

However, there are some “read between the lines” things to be gleaned from this incident, stuff that’s probably more important than the idea of reality creation, and how mindsets affects one’s life happenings. It was the realization that hmmmmm……whatever this higher force is that’s giving me this insight and advise, it’s not going to just step in and rearrange reality for me to ensure that I get another job. It’s not going to serve things up for me on a plate. It was letting me know that the work was in my hands, and that my mindset alone was going to shape the outcome of events. This higher force may very well have the ability to step in and undo, fix and rearrange events in my life as it seems fit (I’ve certainly had enough experiences with this, as mentioned in “Miscellaneous Stories….”) but not in this particular instance. I can only theorize about why that would be. Either this thoughtform voice isn’t the one that’s high enough up to manipulate things to that level (if it’s just a “guide” it would make sense that it doesn’t have that level of power) or, maybe it does have the ability, but it can’t/won’t do that for something as piddly as a job. Maybe it’s only allowed to step in and intervene to that level when an outright flagrant freewill violation of epic proportions is occurring. So, that was an interesting realization.

May 23, 2004. I had been talking with my boyfriend about the concept of STO (Service to Others) and STS (Service to Self) and evolving through the supposed densities and striving for STO. I’d like to think I’m doing good but who knows, I could be this horrible STS person and not even realize it. I mean, THERE’S a thought. !

But I could feel that I was missing something here. So after we were done talking I laid back and put my pillow over my head and asked to speak with my higher self about all of this. Something nagged at me, like I was being tapped on the shoulder or something, and so I figuratively picked up the phone and dialed my higher self. Immediately I received a response:

“There’s something you’re missing here………This isn’t all about you.” The thought that was then conveyed to me was that I, like many others, have forgotten that I’m from the Creator Source. I’m here because of the Creator Source, and so therefore, I’m an extension of that. I’m a little piece of the Creator that’s out there representing it, so I should always remember that and try to live my life and conduct myself with that in mind, acting like the extension of the Creator that I am.

It went on to telepathically convey that all of my focus on MY spiritual evolution and MY development was a little skewed because it wasn’t taking into consideration that this journey isn’t just about me, me, me. I’m here because of something else, on behalf of that something else, and should try to convey that something else in all that I do and think and keep that something else in mind as much as possible. The light bulb went off, and it totally made sense.

So then next I tried to imagine myself out there, in the world, encountering a negative person or situation. How would I be able to maintain this mindset when facing off against a negative person? I imagined myself outside of Walgreen’s for instance, facing an obnoxious harasser, since I always seemed to be running into weirdos when going to Walgreens. I could see in my mind the harasser doing his thing. And then I saw my reaction…..or rather, lack thereof…..which illustrated a newfound mindset of awareness about the harasser, life, reality, etc. The old reaction/response was gone, and in its place was a new understanding, negating the need to even drum up a response method.

Oh! I get it I thought. I won’t “have” to “try” to maintain any mindset. Someday I’ll just know and understand things better, and will automatically be in the correct mindset. What that also means is that I won’t be attracting in those types of situations to me in anymore, because my mindset/personal frequency will be so different due to the new level of awareness.

Next I wondered about this Creator Source in itself. From all I’ve heard it seems so big, huge, powerful, beyond our comprehension, that there’s no way to even TRY to understand it. So therefore, if it’s sooooo big and soooooo beyond us, is it even aware of me? Of any of us? Is this mindset even relevant to have for a “being” or “source” who may not even be aware of us as individuals??

I wasn’t able to formulate that question in actual words since it was convoluted, and also because I knew that I didn’t have much time before something happened to interfere with this conversation and connection. So I just stopped myself in mid-sentence and focused/projected my thought ball idea like, “Here, you know what I’m trying to ask…”

The answer came right back in an image form. No words, just an image of something it knew that I was already familiar with because it had shown me this two years before, and which concisely summed everything up.

The image was of all those pinpoints of light emanating from the Creator energy light form, all connected, all linking back to the Source.

All is connected, period.

After that my higher self added something on its own, which I thought was interesting. “This [maintaining constant awareness of being an extension of the Creator in all that we say or do] is very difficult to do in 3rd density. But it’s been done before. So it can be done.” The mindset behind the thought transfer was very neutral, very matter-of-fact.

This was the longest and most amazing exchange I ever had with my higher self. I was knowingly, consciously engaging in a back and forth communication, used a telepathic “thought ball” at one point to ask a question, and got responses with visuals and pure telepathy that were short and sweet and to the point. Very concise and condensed. And concerning the most important topic out there too, in my opinion.

December 22, 2004. While getting ready for work on this morning I had stuff on my mind concerning a lot of negative issues one faces here in this reality, things that I myself have gone through but still haven’t been able to reconcile. Stuff like people betraying others or pulling the rug out from under them when that person didn’t do anything to deserve it. The idea of loyalty and devotion, but it not being reciprocated, getting stomped on out of nowhere. And why people do this to each other. I could feel my own bitterness and grudge holding about it all as I reached out to my higher self for some input and feedback, and it came through the line and patiently walked me through to some realizations.

It reminded me (via telepathic thought transfer I guess you could call it) that everybody has their issues, their flaws, their faults. Things happen in life to shape people, and over time it creates issues and faults, and that’s just the way it is. We all have them.

I was still hanging on though to the attitude of being bitter towards people who have done something like this. “They hurt me!!” “They betrayed me!!” “I would never have done that to them!! I wouldn’t have treated them that way!!” etc. Wanting to punish them for it.

What came back was the telepathic idea of, “Think about them as a kid, when they’re a baby, just born. Everybody starts out innocent and happy. Life creates people with issues as adults. You have to understand and accept that. See the flaws as something to have sympathy about, not something to be mad and bitter about.”

I countered with the mindset of, “But I was devoted and loyal and a good friend/girlfriend/daughter and they turned on me and I didn’t do anything to deserve that! They didn’t appreciate me. They took it all for granted!!”

“Yes, they did, and……”

“But it makes me not want to ever be nice to people because they’re just going to turn on me and not appreciate it!!!”

“Uh huh, and…………………………………………You have to give without expecting any sort of reciprocation.”

Then what was conveyed all at once was this big thought ball of: You have to just be nice anyway, keep on keepin’ on. Just keep being as good and nice as possible. If someone turns on you…so be it. Life has shaped them, you can’t blame them or hold it against them or be angry or bitter about it. See the situation for what it is. If someone turns on you or betrays you, shrug your shoulders, have understanding about what created it, and move along. Don’t take on others’ issues. Don’t take it personal.

So, not suppressing anger…but rather, not having it at all…due to understanding.

After this exchange where my higher self walked me through things and fed me telepathic insights it was like a weight had been lifted off of me, and things that I had been holding onto, being bitter about, disintegrated.

Probably around June of 2006 I discovered that a woman leader of a particular group that had a falling out with my boyfriend several years before, engaging in character assassination and smear campaign against him over the ‘net, (and even a little bit with me as well) was STILL to this day talking smack about him on her website forum. He doesn’t talk about her, but there she is, still discussing him, trying to smear him. It wasn’t the first time she’d brought him up to talk smack about, and it annoyed me any time I became aware of it. But THIS time when I saw her talking about him…..whoa nelly. O.o It was like something came over me. I completely FLIPPED OUT. My boyfriend later joked about it, imitating the sound of an alarm going off for a nuclear reactor meltdown, because that’s how I felt. Outwardly I began ranting about her, while inside I began to rage at this woman, seething with the most intense hatred imaginable, with out of control hate thoughts and “hate darts” shooting from me, taking on a life of its own. So much so that I could feel it escalating beyond my control like a snowball rolling down a mountain. In about another two seconds I was going to lose all control over these thoughts and very ugly things were going to transpire as a result. Basically a concentrated psychic attack of epic proportions, the sort that doesn’t end well.

I can’t remember the last time I ever became that way, even people who’ve gone after me personally have never been able to generate that level of a reaction. But I’m the sort that cares about those closest to me more than I care about myself, and then there’s also the possibility that some sort of negative “something” took over and began influencing things, amping me up and fanning the flames of an already precarious situation. So combine both factors together and it was a very bad situation. As I felt these thoughts taking over and consuming me, I knew I had to reign it in and put a stop to it…..but I couldn’t. So I squeaked out a “HELP!” mayday signal directed loud and clear to my higher self. Make this stop, because this is NOT good!!!!! was the distress signal.

Right then, I felt a force field of some sort, I don’t know how else to describe it, passing down through my body. It was like a plane of energy, horizontal to the floor, moving from the ceiling downwards through my body. In the time it took to span down, the out of control anger and hatred I was feeling instantly stopped. Simultaneously as this was happening, I heard my higher self say, “shhhhh…” in a soothing (not condescending) way, followed with “I understand why you’re angry, although I don’t feel it myself…” So imagine going from the most amped up rage imaginable to absolute calm blankness in the span of about two seconds. !! Well, that’s what happened. My rant trailed off abruptly as I looked around, feeling confused. There was no more anger and hatred driving it, so there was no reason to even finish the rant. I just sat there confused and blank for a few seconds, looking around, processing what had just happened. Then it began kicking in, and all I could think was WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only was the rage and hatred completely gone, but it had also taken the liberty of removing all traces of any lingering anger towards this woman and her group and the things they’ve done. Now I just felt nothing about any of it. Blank. Calm. Cool. :) That was certainly better than the alternative. I knew that those crazy amped up hate feelings were wrong, it’s NOT what I’m aiming for in life, so I’m glad that I had an established connection to something positive that could instantly intervene like that and help when asked.

I don’t have a date for this one, but I think it was sometime after we moved to Virginia, but at one point my Higher Self conveyed to me something about how I “shouldn’t be so critical of people.” It was said kind of sadly, disappointed, like wanting better for me. Trying to be more understanding of people who act like screwballs has been a challenge for me in this life you could say. It’s a back and forth battle. So yeah, it’s something that was brought to my attention, and until then I hadn’t really noticed or paid attention to it. So, it’s been something I’ve been slowly chipping away at since then. At this point I try harder to have more understanding about what may have shaped a person to wind up the way they are, and to realize that nobody’s perfect, myself included. The idea of not judging somebody until you’ve walked in their shoes is very true. Something I’ve come to realize is that the concept of “understanding/realization” is probably the biggest weapon we have for navigating our way through 3rd density with the least amount of energy/loosh loss. Without it we are just reactionary machines, involuntarily emotionally reacting to every “negative” person we come into contact with.

Related to this was another bit of unexpected insight I received one night when poking fun of our upstairs neighbors to my boyfriend Tom. Due to the lack of soundproofing going on we could usually hear lots of what went on with our various upstairs neighbors, and the latest (30-something, educated, higher class goofball) couple that was living above us annoyed me to no end. I didn’t like them anyway due to all the noise they obliviously made, which lead to just making fun of them in general about anything because it was too easy. I’m sitting there in my desk chair at my computer, poking fun at them to Tom, and when I paused I heard in my mind this serious, male sounding voice say “They’re of no consequence to you.” I was like, “!!” as I sat there, thinking on this. And I realized yeah, I guess it’s right, whatever it is. (It definitely was not the same voice as my higher self.) I mean, they’re not of any consequence to me, so don’t waste my time focusing on them and making fun of them. Focus on things that are relevant to my own existence, the stuff that matters to me, not what other people are doing and who they are and how they live their lives. (At the time this couple seemed like merely just goobers, but once they had a baby and I overheard the dad in action I realized he was also a collosal dick. I already knew it intuitively anyway, which is why the couple of times we ever bumped into him outside I literally ducked out to get away from him as quickly as possible, leaving Tom to talk to him by himself, because something felt really wrong and off about him despite his harmless goober/nerdy glasses wearing white dude appearance. I overheard him ignoring the newborn when it was crying, advising the mom to just leave it there and not do anything for it, and then there was the time they arrived home, and as soon as they both got through the front doorway he slammed the door as hard as he could and instantly started screaming at her, just unloading onto her like a total psycho…while she was holding/carrying the baby…..then the baby of course starts screaming hysterically, until we heard the mom run up their stairs crying to get away from him. So I actually don’t feel bad about making fun of him/them. Sorry “unknown higher density male voice.” ;) Sometimes I really do think that a lot of these higher beings just don’t remember what it’s like to be down in it. It’s easy to make “stern and wise” peanut gallery commentary from the sidelines….but let’s see them try to live underneath noisy neighbors all day every day, to the point where it’s even interfering with sleep. Then let’s see what happens. ;) )

I wish I could say I’ve stuck with the wiser and more understanding mindset, but, I haven’t. But I know that it’s right and that I should, so it’s just a matter of always being aware of it and trying to stick with it. A person can drive themselves crazy with all the mental chatter that goes on as we observe the world and people around us, of which usually involves passing some sort of critiquing judgment about what we’re seeing or hearing. (even when it does seem warranted, like with the upstairs neighbors. ;) ) Gotta turn that off and just be calm inside…


All of these instances, plus all the other happenings I discuss around my website and in my books, have of course led to the bigger questions about what these thought forms are, where they’re coming from, and what this world and reality really is. Here is what I’ve put together:

  • There have been several sources of the thoughtform voices that have come through the line. Some negative, others positive, like what was documented in this particular write up. The neg ones I talk about in my book Chasing Phantoms, and seem to have a connection to what could be labeled as “MILABs.” There have only been a few of them here and there (though none in the last several years) and they sounded very much human male, with sarcastic disdain. Not like the “higher self”/guide/whatever it is, who has a voice that sounds maybe like mine, only, older and more mature and wiser. Definitely more feminine, not male. So basically we have at the minimum two types of forces at work – positive and negative. A “tug of war” indeed……
  • The positive “higher self” thought form has demonstrated knowledge of things that were happening outside the scope of my awareness, including stuff in the near future that hadn’t even happened yet. (Again, discussed in “Miscellaneous Stories.”) Thus, it was trying to take pre-emptive action in some cases to thwart disaster. And in one case, it has even been able to run some sort of force field thing through me to completely eliminate the amped up rage I was experiencing after I put out a mayday signal in its direction. This shows that whatever it is, it’s obviously outside this realm and time, and can plug in/connect to me when it needs to, and definitely with some higher up “abilities.”
  • This reality is therefore, in my opinion, like a game, or a playground of some sort. And these forces have clearly demonstrated that they’re invested in the outcome of this game, for reasons only they know and understand. (Though we can certainly theorize.) One side is clearly hoping for spiritual evolution, wisdom and higher understanding, based on the types of insight and feedback its given. The other could care less about that stuff. For one side, me dying prematurely and/or not evolving spiritually is not a good thing, and something to be avoided. So it takes the game seriously, even if I don’t. ;) “Life isn’t a frivolous joke” seems to be its mentality. Though I admit, it kind of is for me. Wish somebody would give us an instruction manual so we can know where we are and why, and therefore understand why things matter. Only because I have the sort of personality where if you don’t explain the why’s, then I’m going to have a hard time caring and cooperating.
  • There has also been at least one instance of a thought form that was unlike either the “higher self” communications or the negative human male sarcastic “MILAB” ones. It was mentioned in “Miscellaneous Stories,” concerning the emotionally cold, matter-of-fact thought form that informed me about a boyfriend I was going to be dating next, even though I was happily dating this guy’s friend at that time. I don’t know who/what it was, but I’m postulating it was “alien” in nature. (I get into the whole “alien love bite” thing in that write up, and why I think that may have been going on with that situation.) It didn’t sound like my “higher self” voice, and it’s intentions weren’t as lofty as the higher self’s have been, whose sole focus has either been to intervene during certain disaster, or dispense advise that will help boost my spiritual evolution. So, it seems that on at least one occasion there has been a third source in the mix.

Ultimately I don’t have any definitive conclusions about what’s going on here, and it would be stupid to even try to. At best I have theories that are open to change, if new information comes in, and I’m working with whatever pieces of the puzzle I can get. For now I’ve expanded my awareness of this phenomenon to include the possibility of the source being a “guide” of some sort, versus the actual higher self.


Growing up, I was taught about the concept of “God” and the story of Jesus by my parents who had been raised Catholic. They were disenchanted with Catholicism and so as a result, I wasn’t raised with religion and we didn’t go to church when I was child. (my mom later brought me and my brother when I was 15 and he was 9 during my parents’ divorce. So I did get some church exposure later on.) But I had been given the basics about things. Mostly it was “God is watching you!” and warnings to be good or “God will punish you!” from my Mom. Many times growing up, and even into my 20’s I would send out prayer requests, directing my thoughts at this God being as I was taught about, or try to connect to God, and feel the presence of something higher. But never once did I ever receive anything back. Not even a smidgeon of anything, even in my darkest most despondent moments when I needed it the most as a teen, and boy was I looking to feel something…anything…that indicated that I wasn’t alone in this reality, left to fend for myself. But that really did seem to be what was happening here, because no matter what I’d done or how hard I tried, I never once felt the presence of anything. So I had to conclude…there’s nothing out there looking out for me. It’s just me, and I really am alone here. oh well. And it did make me stronger, because if there’s nothing higher, and it’s just me, then I have to make sure I take care of myself. Because nobody else is going to.

It is kind of amazing though that in all the years of trying to connect with God as it’s taught in our mainstream society that I came back empty handed every time, and could feel that I was talking to nothing. But when I attempted to communicate to my own higher self oversoul, the higher density evolved “me” in the “future” something came back, loud and clear…….with the core message involving the importance of being connected to the creator source. Kind of an irony there. ;) And the spiritual concepts that it’s conveyed — pretty high level ideas and ways of being, versus the scare tactics and lies that one finds with most mainstream religions designed to disempower people.

I don’t know if one even can “pray” to the Creator Source. But maybe we don’t have to, if we realize that we’re part of it and it’s already in us. There does seem to be a higher evolved “us” in the “future” that we can connect to though for helpful feedback and insight. And in doing so, you’re strengthening your ties to it, further ensuring that you can become it. It reinforces that future you, you could say. Kind of reminds me of a dream I had a few years ago, where in one part of the dream I was holding a sheet of paper with my “homework assignment” on it. I squinted in the dream, trying to make out the writing. There were two assignments, and unfortunately I either couldn’t see or I now can’t remember what the first one was. But the second one I clearly remember. It said, “Complete the loop.” That’s something that would tie in to my Parallel Timelines write up mostly, but it seems to apply here as well, in terms of connecting back up to something in the future that’s reaching back into the now……

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